Real Life Changes

I haven’t written in awhile; felt it was pointless due to the fact that my mind was lost. Truth is if it weren’t for writing I would be going crazy somewhere. What a week though! Since the last day I wrote I somewhat secured my life. I left my house on wed and went to my friend’s house. I guess of all the people in my life she cared enough to come “save me.” I ate, laughed and chilled. She is 8 months pregnant so all she really wants to do is sleep. Her tiredness was rubbing off on me. While there I realized I need to get myself together. I looked a wreck and have been slacking. I was waiting on a man to help me when I could just do it all myself. My mother must’ve heard the desperation in my voice and sent me $100. I am very grateful for her and when I get some money I will make sure to help her and my brothers and nephew.

            God always comes threw when you think you cannot take anymore. In my life I have been around two types of people; #1 Ones that thrives off my failure. #2 Ones that want to see me successful and care. People that only care about chasing men and partying also surround me. I know I am young but I refuse to succumb to that. I refuse to let materials and images overcome my mental. I will on the other hand make sure I am fit, healthy, and gorgeous. I will also put most focus on my goals. That way I can help myself and help others. Mainly my family. I owe them. Growing up my mother didn’t really support me financially. She made sure we had food but that’s really it. I used to have to steal the stuff I need, and steal clothes for school. At the age of 15 I ended up getting my own check. I gave my mom some money out of that and kept the rest. I always took care of myself so why would I stop now? Why would I let things that doesn’t matter control my mind, especially a man.

            Before I went to my friends I told the “one I love” that this is his last chance with me and that he wont see me around until summer and I mean that. I refuse to be around someone that I have feelings for. It makes me look like a fool. I need to focus on me anyway. I haven’t been around him since. He has his chance. My white boi is definitely cut. He never came through like he said he would. None of the men that fed me lies came through so I will be damned if I care about any of them.

            When I came back from my friends my whole projects was blocked off. I had to get out and walk home from the bottom in the freezing cold to get j=home. I didn’t have my coat cuz it was warm when I left, plus I had my laptop and like three bags walking. I guess there was a stand off. There was swat team, ambulances, cops, and news. I prayed that the police don’t kill anyone and my prayer came true. I came home to “the zoo” where everyone is going crazy from stress, poverty and anything else. I have to stay focused and only be around #2 people that want to see me succeed. I don’t like feeling like you’re only around when I have something or you are plotting on me. If that’s you stay far away from me and trust me I can spot you a million miles away! A man is just a chess piece to me. If he isn’t moving the way I want then I shall pawn him. No point in a useless piece. Especially now that a got a job I really don’t need a man for anything. Yes I start Monday. It is only two days a week but I can at least have all my necessities and find another way to make money the other days of the week.  At least I wont have to sit around stressing about how I am going to survive. Love doesn’t pay the bills and when the bills aren’t paid I have no love. I have to stay focused no matter what.

            What should I do? Should I write everyday or once a week? Anyone? Please let me know by tomorrow. Goodnight world. I will go to sleep alone and satisfied with my mediocre life because I am grateful for what I have. I’m going to sleep in my clean, well-decorated house in my bed that smells like fresh lavender. Oh he will be missing out. He will miss out on me cooking a good meal for us, he will miss out on going out and having fun and he will soon miss out on a luxurious lifestyle. Oh well Single in the city is now Focused in the city. Love it Goodnight!