What a Day!

From now on the only one I will tell my business to is my blog. When I tell my “so called friends” they run their mouth. Even if they do not know the truth they assume and run their mouth. They do not know about me but they are so concerned with my personal life. People think that because they have money they are perfect. Half of these “people with money” sold their soul in order to get it. The only thing half of these women are good for is lying on their back. These men are only good for sex and/or money. Half of them can’t even have sex well. I was lost the other day, depending on a man to save me. All I need is God.

            It has been a long day but I got threw it. I tried my hardest and made a way to eat and survive another day. I will have some money when I wake up. I should have money now due to the fact that I had sex last night. What a huge mistake! Oh well at least it only lasted a minute. He got what he wanted and I should have what I want now. But oh nooo he always got something wrong! Now he says he has bronchitis.  I l believe him and hopes he get better. I can’t keep dealing with he stress of his recklessness. He was drunk and there was an ice storm and he drove around in it. He works all day he don’t have time and either do I. He is cut off. He really was selling me dreams of him taking care of me. He can’t even take care of himself. My eyes are burning from an allergic reaction to his two dogs. I am soooo done with it. I shouldn’t have to have sex or kiss a mans ass in order to survive. I am better than that. Lesson Learned. I will do it myself and help anyone that has ever helped me.

            I’m super high and tired. I cannot even keep my eyes open to write. So with that being said I will have more for you tomorrow. Goodnight.

What Now?

Good evening everyone. It is wrong to sell your body for money but is it wrong to sell love for money? That is the question I have been asking myself. I don’t know which one is worse. I am to the point that I don’t even care anymore. I cannot depend or wait on a man or anyone else for that matter. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I really needed some help and had no means to help myself. Why should I have to have sex with a man for help? Every man I asked wanted something in return but it is not worth it. You are not worth my time if I have to have sex just for a few dollars. What do I look like? I refuse to stoop to that level. I explained my situation to my white boi and he did help somewhat but not enough. All I had to do is call him baby and be nice. I also let him hold me. I am so unattracted to him though. I need someone on a higher caliber. It’s either that or I get on a higher caliber and get it myself. This man already got a girlfriend he takes care of. He doesn’t have enough money to take care of me too. I really would like if he worked all day came home, put money in my hand and I would cook, clean and treat him like a king. But nooooo that’s too much to ask. It’s either that or nothing. I need him now cuz once I get my own money I wont even want him around. He is a really good guy and I feel bad but I am sorry. All my life I put everyone else’s needs ahead of me and it has got me nowhere. It is time for me to think about myself so I can be successful and happy. I have way too many talents to be sitting here broke and depressed.

            My voice usually sounds like fluid pouring out words of desperation. My life usually consists of shady characters and cold-hearted females. My life consists of poverty and some of the giving people are as poor as I am. My life consists of constant let downs. My life consists of money hungry friends and scavengers. My life consists of seeing females raise 5 kids alone. My life consists of everyone on a hunt for a way out. A way out of the hood, a way out of the struggle, a way out of pissy hallways, a way out desperation, a way out of being judged, a way out of this lifestyle. Once out you miss the presence of real people. The artificial ones are accumulating one by one. I shall be content with what I have. Right now I have a dollar and a dream. Oh never mind I don’t have a dollar right now. There is so much more to me than my image and pockets.

            Never met a man that could fulfill my needs. The ones that can don’t want me. I guess I’m too wild for most. I also want a lot. Anyway my white boi just called and wants me to come over. Oh who could be bothered? I do not want to go to his house that he shares with his girlfriend. I’m not going to put myself in that position. Just cuz he sent her away on a greyhound doesn’t mean anything. I never should have made him “fall in love” with me. I regret it now. I have to make a decision within an hour on whether or not I should wake up in the morning and depend on this man to help me, or do it all on my own. I wish I could get some advice but I am unknown on here.

Limited Patience

I am in love with two men at once. One is as white as the moon and the other dark as midnight. One can provide for me and loves me the other doesn’t love me and I doubt he can provide for me. I want someone that can pay all my bills and give me money so I can smoke and write all day. He can do whatever he wants as long as he does that. I want my white boy to take care of the other and me to be my man. Is that wrong? I mean men can have three or four wives in some cases. Why can’t I have a man and a provider in one man? So I guess I have to have two. Last night after I done called everybody I know my white boi came threw. No one else did. I don’t even have sex with him and he loves me. He also wants to take care of me. I keep chasing behind my other love though. I somewhat confessed my feelings for him today. Now he knows how I feel the ball is in his court. I will not wait no longer for him after tomorrow. Tonight my white boi is coming over and hopefully he gives me what I need. Then tomorrow I am going to clean and cook Sunday dinner and I want my #1 to come over. That’s what I want lets hope that I get it. Other than that life is just a waiting game. Patience is a virtue. Everything will be ok. I have to take my ideas to another level. It seems as though this blog is not really helping me at the moment. When will it pay off? I write because I have love for it but I also got to pay the bills. I would be very happy if people actually read it.

            I cannot wait to pamper myself and have an evening out. I know my number #1 will want me then but it will be too late. It’s now or never. I have been patient long enough. I can have any man but I will accept a broke one. I must be crazy. He got one more day and after that I swear I will make sure I don’t even go around him. There will be no point. Its time I start getting what I want. My white boy got a woman anyway. I am about to have hoes. I kind of already do but don’t want any of them. There is so much more to life than love but I feel it everywhere. I want my own success and a man with equal success. Please Lord give me what I need.  I need a change for the better. I want a luxurious life and fun. Good food and good people. Tired of the broke life. I want something better for my family and myself. I want, I want. But I also need it for my sanity. Tired of the struggle. Everyday I wake up I do my hardest to change it. So with that being said I will go to bed satisfied with my effort no matter what the outcome. More juicy gossip tomorrow! Have a great night hopefully I will.

Stranded in The Projects!

My last blog post was not finished. Oh how the night was young and what a night it was. I came home got in the shower and was finishing up my blog when my old friend called. I needed to smoke so I said he could come over. I thought maybe he could save me, but oh how I was wrong. Turns out he came empty handed and needed me.  He is lucky I didn’t kick him out.  What do I look like “cuddling” or having sex when I am sick to my stomach from starving?  I tried everything in my power to come up with some money and it did not work. Luckily after calling at least 15 people one person gave a fuck enough to cook me some food. I feed everyone anytime I cook. What about me? That’s why I cannot keep waiting on a man to save me. I can get more done as a woman. I literally asked 5 guys to save me and it did not happen. Only GOD can save me. So anyway, my gay guy friend ended up saving me. He came over and the other guy had the nerve to ask him for some Newport’s. WHAT! You should a came with cigarettes and anything else I needed. I told him “oh squares are a hot commodity here they cost.” Weird as hell. I made sure I let him sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch. I do not want anyone touching me when I am starving. I know it sounds mean but that’s how it is. I am trying to stay focused. Today I started making a beat and had a great idea for a magazine. I have so many talents and ideas. I shall put all my energy into my dreams and make them a reality. Nothing will stop me. Couldn’t even go to sleep until 7 am due to my pounding headache. Oh yeah couldn’t get to go out to the party I wanted to go too. I have no cute outfit. I look stressed. I should really figure out a game plan but I keep running into roadblocks. It will be okay though. I am blessed to wake up everyday. I am about to take a shower and go to sleep. “What a Friday Night!” 

Lost in the Music

Life is short. Today I realized that. Why stress over thing I cannot change at the moment. I know if I continue on God’s path I will be fine. I shall not worry about a man that does not care for me. I will focus on my career and take care of family and myself. I have two options #1 fall in love #2 get rich. I choose #2 for now. All I want to do is smoke all day and write. I want a career out of it. I also want to have fun in the meantime. I am young and live my life like I am old. Talents go away when you don’t use them. I need to stop worrying bout a man and live. Right now I am listening to @MikeWiLLMadeIt album. Anything with him on the beat makes me better. See my real love is music. I am having an affair with writing for music. Something about a good beat can turn my whole day around. It keeps me moving. But that’s just me. I was in school for music production but had to take a leave due to my crazy ass life. It was too much at once but I will be back in a few months. It was either work and make money or go to school. I will be doing both soon. Well enough about me, let’s talk about you. Anyone? I would love if someone would read this and actually comment. I will write everyday until I am recognized. Every single day. Even when things aren’t right. I am inspired listening to this mix tape. I didn’t really accomplish much today but once I wake up in the am I will. I am beyond broke right now with no food and no income but I’m bout to change all that. This writing will pay the bills sooner or later. I will never stop until something changes. I look at others life and feel so bad that’s why I want to make it so I can help others. Maybe I should just write a blog about music because right now that’s all I can think of. Plus my life isn’t much to talk about right now. Once I get my money I will change my life. I will pay off all my bills, help who needs help and save the rest. By the summer I will have my money stacked for a car. It is either that or takes it and move to ATL. Until then I’m not going to have much of a life. It takes money to do what you want. Right now I have none, and if you have none stay the fuck from round me. If you don’t fuck wit me when I have nothing please don’t fuck wit me when I do. I am solo. I don’t need friends or a crew to back me up. I don’t like fakeness and will only tolerate you if we do business together. I am one that goes out by herself because females are soooo phony. That’s why I have guy friends but everyone hates so much they think I am fucking them. I do not care what anyone thinks. My life is not your concern unless I fuck wit you. That’s why I chose not display my real name on my blog. I do not want the fame. I just want the fortune. Well I am about to call it a night. I have a sexy nighty on and no one to comfort me but I bet he gone want me soon and then it will be too late cuz I will be on bigger and better things. Love ya reader’s goodnight.