What Now?

Good evening everyone. It is wrong to sell your body for money but is it wrong to sell love for money? That is the question I have been asking myself. I don’t know which one is worse. I am to the point that I don’t even care anymore. I cannot depend or wait on a man or anyone else for that matter. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I really needed some help and had no means to help myself. Why should I have to have sex with a man for help? Every man I asked wanted something in return but it is not worth it. You are not worth my time if I have to have sex just for a few dollars. What do I look like? I refuse to stoop to that level. I explained my situation to my white boi and he did help somewhat but not enough. All I had to do is call him baby and be nice. I also let him hold me. I am so unattracted to him though. I need someone on a higher caliber. It’s either that or I get on a higher caliber and get it myself. This man already got a girlfriend he takes care of. He doesn’t have enough money to take care of me too. I really would like if he worked all day came home, put money in my hand and I would cook, clean and treat him like a king. But nooooo that’s too much to ask. It’s either that or nothing. I need him now cuz once I get my own money I wont even want him around. He is a really good guy and I feel bad but I am sorry. All my life I put everyone else’s needs ahead of me and it has got me nowhere. It is time for me to think about myself so I can be successful and happy. I have way too many talents to be sitting here broke and depressed.

            My voice usually sounds like fluid pouring out words of desperation. My life usually consists of shady characters and cold-hearted females. My life consists of poverty and some of the giving people are as poor as I am. My life consists of constant let downs. My life consists of money hungry friends and scavengers. My life consists of seeing females raise 5 kids alone. My life consists of everyone on a hunt for a way out. A way out of the hood, a way out of the struggle, a way out of pissy hallways, a way out desperation, a way out of being judged, a way out of this lifestyle. Once out you miss the presence of real people. The artificial ones are accumulating one by one. I shall be content with what I have. Right now I have a dollar and a dream. Oh never mind I don’t have a dollar right now. There is so much more to me than my image and pockets.

            Never met a man that could fulfill my needs. The ones that can don’t want me. I guess I’m too wild for most. I also want a lot. Anyway my white boi just called and wants me to come over. Oh who could be bothered? I do not want to go to his house that he shares with his girlfriend. I’m not going to put myself in that position. Just cuz he sent her away on a greyhound doesn’t mean anything. I never should have made him “fall in love” with me. I regret it now. I have to make a decision within an hour on whether or not I should wake up in the morning and depend on this man to help me, or do it all on my own. I wish I could get some advice but I am unknown on here.