Real Life Changes

I haven’t written in awhile; felt it was pointless due to the fact that my mind was lost. Truth is if it weren’t for writing I would be going crazy somewhere. What a week though! Since the last day I wrote I somewhat secured my life. I left my house on wed and went to my friend’s house. I guess of all the people in my life she cared enough to come “save me.” I ate, laughed and chilled. She is 8 months pregnant so all she really wants to do is sleep. Her tiredness was rubbing off on me. While there I realized I need to get myself together. I looked a wreck and have been slacking. I was waiting on a man to help me when I could just do it all myself. My mother must’ve heard the desperation in my voice and sent me $100. I am very grateful for her and when I get some money I will make sure to help her and my brothers and nephew.

            God always comes threw when you think you cannot take anymore. In my life I have been around two types of people; #1 Ones that thrives off my failure. #2 Ones that want to see me successful and care. People that only care about chasing men and partying also surround me. I know I am young but I refuse to succumb to that. I refuse to let materials and images overcome my mental. I will on the other hand make sure I am fit, healthy, and gorgeous. I will also put most focus on my goals. That way I can help myself and help others. Mainly my family. I owe them. Growing up my mother didn’t really support me financially. She made sure we had food but that’s really it. I used to have to steal the stuff I need, and steal clothes for school. At the age of 15 I ended up getting my own check. I gave my mom some money out of that and kept the rest. I always took care of myself so why would I stop now? Why would I let things that doesn’t matter control my mind, especially a man.

            Before I went to my friends I told the “one I love” that this is his last chance with me and that he wont see me around until summer and I mean that. I refuse to be around someone that I have feelings for. It makes me look like a fool. I need to focus on me anyway. I haven’t been around him since. He has his chance. My white boi is definitely cut. He never came through like he said he would. None of the men that fed me lies came through so I will be damned if I care about any of them.

            When I came back from my friends my whole projects was blocked off. I had to get out and walk home from the bottom in the freezing cold to get j=home. I didn’t have my coat cuz it was warm when I left, plus I had my laptop and like three bags walking. I guess there was a stand off. There was swat team, ambulances, cops, and news. I prayed that the police don’t kill anyone and my prayer came true. I came home to “the zoo” where everyone is going crazy from stress, poverty and anything else. I have to stay focused and only be around #2 people that want to see me succeed. I don’t like feeling like you’re only around when I have something or you are plotting on me. If that’s you stay far away from me and trust me I can spot you a million miles away! A man is just a chess piece to me. If he isn’t moving the way I want then I shall pawn him. No point in a useless piece. Especially now that a got a job I really don’t need a man for anything. Yes I start Monday. It is only two days a week but I can at least have all my necessities and find another way to make money the other days of the week.  At least I wont have to sit around stressing about how I am going to survive. Love doesn’t pay the bills and when the bills aren’t paid I have no love. I have to stay focused no matter what.

            What should I do? Should I write everyday or once a week? Anyone? Please let me know by tomorrow. Goodnight world. I will go to sleep alone and satisfied with my mediocre life because I am grateful for what I have. I’m going to sleep in my clean, well-decorated house in my bed that smells like fresh lavender. Oh he will be missing out. He will miss out on me cooking a good meal for us, he will miss out on going out and having fun and he will soon miss out on a luxurious lifestyle. Oh well Single in the city is now Focused in the city. Love it Goodnight! 

What a Day!

From now on the only one I will tell my business to is my blog. When I tell my “so called friends” they run their mouth. Even if they do not know the truth they assume and run their mouth. They do not know about me but they are so concerned with my personal life. People think that because they have money they are perfect. Half of these “people with money” sold their soul in order to get it. The only thing half of these women are good for is lying on their back. These men are only good for sex and/or money. Half of them can’t even have sex well. I was lost the other day, depending on a man to save me. All I need is God.

            It has been a long day but I got threw it. I tried my hardest and made a way to eat and survive another day. I will have some money when I wake up. I should have money now due to the fact that I had sex last night. What a huge mistake! Oh well at least it only lasted a minute. He got what he wanted and I should have what I want now. But oh nooo he always got something wrong! Now he says he has bronchitis.  I l believe him and hopes he get better. I can’t keep dealing with he stress of his recklessness. He was drunk and there was an ice storm and he drove around in it. He works all day he don’t have time and either do I. He is cut off. He really was selling me dreams of him taking care of me. He can’t even take care of himself. My eyes are burning from an allergic reaction to his two dogs. I am soooo done with it. I shouldn’t have to have sex or kiss a mans ass in order to survive. I am better than that. Lesson Learned. I will do it myself and help anyone that has ever helped me.

            I’m super high and tired. I cannot even keep my eyes open to write. So with that being said I will have more for you tomorrow. Goodnight.

What Now?

Good evening everyone. It is wrong to sell your body for money but is it wrong to sell love for money? That is the question I have been asking myself. I don’t know which one is worse. I am to the point that I don’t even care anymore. I cannot depend or wait on a man or anyone else for that matter. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I really needed some help and had no means to help myself. Why should I have to have sex with a man for help? Every man I asked wanted something in return but it is not worth it. You are not worth my time if I have to have sex just for a few dollars. What do I look like? I refuse to stoop to that level. I explained my situation to my white boi and he did help somewhat but not enough. All I had to do is call him baby and be nice. I also let him hold me. I am so unattracted to him though. I need someone on a higher caliber. It’s either that or I get on a higher caliber and get it myself. This man already got a girlfriend he takes care of. He doesn’t have enough money to take care of me too. I really would like if he worked all day came home, put money in my hand and I would cook, clean and treat him like a king. But nooooo that’s too much to ask. It’s either that or nothing. I need him now cuz once I get my own money I wont even want him around. He is a really good guy and I feel bad but I am sorry. All my life I put everyone else’s needs ahead of me and it has got me nowhere. It is time for me to think about myself so I can be successful and happy. I have way too many talents to be sitting here broke and depressed.

            My voice usually sounds like fluid pouring out words of desperation. My life usually consists of shady characters and cold-hearted females. My life consists of poverty and some of the giving people are as poor as I am. My life consists of constant let downs. My life consists of money hungry friends and scavengers. My life consists of seeing females raise 5 kids alone. My life consists of everyone on a hunt for a way out. A way out of the hood, a way out of the struggle, a way out of pissy hallways, a way out desperation, a way out of being judged, a way out of this lifestyle. Once out you miss the presence of real people. The artificial ones are accumulating one by one. I shall be content with what I have. Right now I have a dollar and a dream. Oh never mind I don’t have a dollar right now. There is so much more to me than my image and pockets.

            Never met a man that could fulfill my needs. The ones that can don’t want me. I guess I’m too wild for most. I also want a lot. Anyway my white boi just called and wants me to come over. Oh who could be bothered? I do not want to go to his house that he shares with his girlfriend. I’m not going to put myself in that position. Just cuz he sent her away on a greyhound doesn’t mean anything. I never should have made him “fall in love” with me. I regret it now. I have to make a decision within an hour on whether or not I should wake up in the morning and depend on this man to help me, or do it all on my own. I wish I could get some advice but I am unknown on here.

Limited Patience

I am in love with two men at once. One is as white as the moon and the other dark as midnight. One can provide for me and loves me the other doesn’t love me and I doubt he can provide for me. I want someone that can pay all my bills and give me money so I can smoke and write all day. He can do whatever he wants as long as he does that. I want my white boy to take care of the other and me to be my man. Is that wrong? I mean men can have three or four wives in some cases. Why can’t I have a man and a provider in one man? So I guess I have to have two. Last night after I done called everybody I know my white boi came threw. No one else did. I don’t even have sex with him and he loves me. He also wants to take care of me. I keep chasing behind my other love though. I somewhat confessed my feelings for him today. Now he knows how I feel the ball is in his court. I will not wait no longer for him after tomorrow. Tonight my white boi is coming over and hopefully he gives me what I need. Then tomorrow I am going to clean and cook Sunday dinner and I want my #1 to come over. That’s what I want lets hope that I get it. Other than that life is just a waiting game. Patience is a virtue. Everything will be ok. I have to take my ideas to another level. It seems as though this blog is not really helping me at the moment. When will it pay off? I write because I have love for it but I also got to pay the bills. I would be very happy if people actually read it.

            I cannot wait to pamper myself and have an evening out. I know my number #1 will want me then but it will be too late. It’s now or never. I have been patient long enough. I can have any man but I will accept a broke one. I must be crazy. He got one more day and after that I swear I will make sure I don’t even go around him. There will be no point. Its time I start getting what I want. My white boy got a woman anyway. I am about to have hoes. I kind of already do but don’t want any of them. There is so much more to life than love but I feel it everywhere. I want my own success and a man with equal success. Please Lord give me what I need.  I need a change for the better. I want a luxurious life and fun. Good food and good people. Tired of the broke life. I want something better for my family and myself. I want, I want. But I also need it for my sanity. Tired of the struggle. Everyday I wake up I do my hardest to change it. So with that being said I will go to bed satisfied with my effort no matter what the outcome. More juicy gossip tomorrow! Have a great night hopefully I will.

Stranded in The Projects!

My last blog post was not finished. Oh how the night was young and what a night it was. I came home got in the shower and was finishing up my blog when my old friend called. I needed to smoke so I said he could come over. I thought maybe he could save me, but oh how I was wrong. Turns out he came empty handed and needed me.  He is lucky I didn’t kick him out.  What do I look like “cuddling” or having sex when I am sick to my stomach from starving?  I tried everything in my power to come up with some money and it did not work. Luckily after calling at least 15 people one person gave a fuck enough to cook me some food. I feed everyone anytime I cook. What about me? That’s why I cannot keep waiting on a man to save me. I can get more done as a woman. I literally asked 5 guys to save me and it did not happen. Only GOD can save me. So anyway, my gay guy friend ended up saving me. He came over and the other guy had the nerve to ask him for some Newport’s. WHAT! You should a came with cigarettes and anything else I needed. I told him “oh squares are a hot commodity here they cost.” Weird as hell. I made sure I let him sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch. I do not want anyone touching me when I am starving. I know it sounds mean but that’s how it is. I am trying to stay focused. Today I started making a beat and had a great idea for a magazine. I have so many talents and ideas. I shall put all my energy into my dreams and make them a reality. Nothing will stop me. Couldn’t even go to sleep until 7 am due to my pounding headache. Oh yeah couldn’t get to go out to the party I wanted to go too. I have no cute outfit. I look stressed. I should really figure out a game plan but I keep running into roadblocks. It will be okay though. I am blessed to wake up everyday. I am about to take a shower and go to sleep. “What a Friday Night!”